This was the age of MySpace. Everyone who was anyone spent their life there. However, while I was making available every last detail of my life on MySpace, I was also spending a decent amount of time on another social networking website called "Vampire Freaks". This was a version of MySpace for the gothic subculture, something I desperately wanted to be a part of. Goths were dark and mysterious and everything I thought was "cool". It was here I met my first boyfriend who will call "Memento".
I've told some of my friends about Momento. I lied in almost every retelling because I was embarrassed to admit that I was so desperate for attention that I started dating online. So, let me get give you the straight truth: we never met face-to-face. Ever. I told later boyfriends that we kissed. I told my parents we met in gym class. I told my friends that we connected one summer, but none of this is true. We texted, we called, we occasionally were able to chat via webcam, but we never were together physically.
After he commented on one of my ridiculous photoshopped photographs,
we started messaging and hit it off immediately. This wasn't only because he and I shared a lot in common, but because of another secret I didn't really let anyone in on: he claimed to have multiple personalities. There was regular "Momento" but then a second part that was, according to him, a fallen angel. So begins my terrible luck with men. I'm finding it increasingly disturbing that all of my exes have acted insane at one point or another during our relationship. If they haven't acted insane, that's because they actually were. Trust me on this one.
I can hear you asking it now: "Why, Anna? Why didn't you run away screaming"? Simple: I'm an idiot. At first, this fallen angel personality was a challenge. They liked to have arguments with me about my religion and have philosophical discussions. That was fun and all, but Momento and I really connected which is why I stuck around. We stuck together for two years even when things became verbally abusive. I was so happy to be in an actual relationship that I didn't care. Or, at least, I told myself I didn't.
See, it might have been a relationship to me, but it wasn't a relationship to him. To Momento, what we were doing was nothing more than flirting, even if he told me he loved me every night before we hung up. He ended up destroying my self-image through verbal abuse, but something slightly more serious. Those of you with weak constitutions, turn away now.
We had "cybered", meaning we role played sex through instant messaging. Despite this, I had never done anything sexual in my life. I honestly hadn't even masturbated at this point. So when Momento started pushing for nude pictures, you can understand my discomfort, but I did it anyway. It upset me that he was so insensitive about the subject, but I continued because I loved him. I became really concerned when he asked me to masturbate on the webcam for him. I wasn't comfortable doing it at all, but I felt forced. I would honestly consider it rape. It caused me to hate myself and it has taken me five years to attempt masturbation without feeling physically ill. Yet, like the idiot I was, I continued to date the asshole.
By now, I'm sure you've thrown your hands in the air and given up on my dumb ass. I couldn't possibly done anything stupider in this relationship, right? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to continue to disappoint you. I caught him cheating. I caught him cheating, and I stayed with him.
Feel free to throw rotten vegetables at me. I deserve it. I endured two years of mental abuse and embarrassment that I only escaped from when Momento's own best friend couldn't stand to watch him ruin my life and roughly 10 others. I was apparently not the only idiot. "Angel", Momento's best friend, had to beg me to stop talking to him, and I finally agreed. For a week I wasn't allowed to answer messages or phone calls from Momento. Every night I would call Angel, sobbing my eyes out, and every night he would comfort me until I could fall asleep.
By the seventh day, I wasn't sad any more - I was pissed. I broke up with Momento. I blocked him on every social program I owned and I never looked back. Unfortunately, the scars remained.
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