I got my first bladder infection my sophomore year. I didn't know that a bladder could become infected, so I spent a few days in a panic thinking I had just had a miscarriage or something. In hindsight, this was really stupid. This was before I had lost my virginity, but panic can cause you to jump to some really weird conclusions.
Anyway, for those of you who have never been given this grand advice, here it is now: pee after having sexy time with your guy friend or you will end up on antibiotics every other month. That's what happened to me, anyway. So, when my mother took me into a specialist to figure out why I was having frequent bladder infections, I was a little confused when the question was asked: "Are you sexually active?".
This is a question I wouldn't hesitate to answer coming from a doctor. However, the situation was a little more complicated: my mother had insisted that she go to into the office with me. Now, this is a really awkward situation to be in. I refused to admit that I was sexually active in front of my mother, but if I lied, they wouldn't be able to stop the bladder infections which, by the way, are rather painful. My mother was giving me a Cheshire grin knowing the decision I faced, but I wasn't about to let her win.
Luckily, I knew my confidentiality rights as a patient over the age of 18. I told my doctor I wanted my mother to leave because I thought the topic was too embarrassing to discuss around her. She argued, but eventually left peacefully. I told the doctor the truth and was out the door with a prescription in under five minutes.
"I know what you told the doctor" she snapped when we got in the car. I was silent.
It actually took her about a year to bring the subject up again. She was attempting to have a heart-to-heart with me that I was desperately trying to escape.
"You know," she sighed. "One day, I hope you'll trust me enough to tell me what you told the doctor that day". Slowly, a plan began to formulate within my mind.
"You really want to know?" I asked her. A challenge had been issued.
"Well, yes!" she replied, excitedly believing that I was letting her into some secret part of my life.
"Well, alright" I started cautiously, trying very hard to hide my smile. "Well, I've been masturbating, and I obviously need to keep the vibrator clean. Apparently the soap was irritating -" That was all I was able to get out before my mother stopped me by covering her ears and walking out of the room.
That was the day that I discovered the best security investment a person can ever make: a vibrator.
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